Over and over and over and over/ the smell of repetition really is on you
Even though I have an endless expanse of time to do basically anything I feel like within the limitations of geography and budget (about $2.50, more or less), I still like to keep things in context, for the day when I may own up and actually find employment. For some reason Saturday seems like the day to run mundane errands, for no particular reason. Although, it may also have something to do with being able borrow my mom’s vehicle on that day, while my own car is in the shop. And so I can drive around town making loaded eye contact with strangers, and not really impress anyone all too much, because, let’s face it, my mom's car isn't that sweet.

I have to drop some stuff off at the Salvation Army, and while I'm there I look around. The main problem with shopping thrift, however, as with most things, is the other people who shop there (a recent conversation with a friend, based around all the weird people in our lives, turned out to reveal that we, in fact, are the only inhabitants of the high moral plain of non-weird people we know—pretty weird, I know). I have not yet degenerated into the type of human who wears an iPod everywhere I go, and so I have to contend with the masses. Which broils down, pretty much, to an entire onslaught of sketchy vagrants and some dude yelling at his 3-year-old son. “Cameron,” he intones in an authoritative voice, “get back over here.” He goes through this routine a few times, the child obediently returning to the guy’s side before being debilitated by some weird stimulus on the miscellaneous rack, which has him wandering away again. I look up from the clothing rack to find the father going after the kid with a determined look. Oh, no, I think; he’s really going to let him have it this time. He brings the kid back around to the other side, yelling in a tone which has the kid bawling and carrying on. It’s kind of peculiar cry, and I listen in on the different variations, which has me thinking twice about my iPod pronouncements. It’s kind of a guttural moan, coming from way deep down. He does this for a while and then begins to ask for his mom to no avail. “No,” the guy says, “You would not behave for mommy, and so you’re just going to have to stay here with me. You don’t listen.” I look over at this guy, wondering if there’s some better way to go about this. The kid then increases the intensity of the crying and I find it becoming the background music for my shopping experience. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, he cries, crescendoing to a peak, and then back down again, my own eardrum seemingly beginning to reside in the shill and grainy wah-producing part of this kid’s throat. I’ve got to get out of here, I think, tossing aside the shirt I have and hustling for the exits.

Out of doors. Taking in a breath of the gauzy, mid-summer air. Oh, dear god, I think; this is horrible. It’s hard to take sometimes, this climate. I have asthma, a respiratory condition thereby inflaming the bronchial tubes and decreasing the lungs’ capacity for taking in air. Sometimes you can feel yourself, on the verge of death, as some kind stranger brings you medication, placing an asthma inhaler between your purple lips, and having you breath the contents deep inside. The medicine I take is expensive, and is illicitly taken from the office of a doctor one of my mom’s friends works at. Mostly, they are free samples, without which I would not be able to breathe. And it’s weird for my existence to be so precariously situated on this act of altruism. Thank you, I would like to say to my mom’s friend. It means a lot. What’s weirder, though, is to inhabit a body which makes a mad dash towards death every time you stop paying attention. Walk into a moldy basement and that could be the end for you. There are worse afflictions, though, I’m sure. My own aunt, actually, has asthma ten times worse than I do, and was forced to retire from her job because of some type of work place allergens (sic). And surely, there are all manner of other afflictions which an older age has yet to reveal to me. The moral of which is, be thankful for the lungs of the body which carries you around in.

The medicine I take costs about $150.00 for a one-month’s supply, meaning that it costs about $5.00 a day without health insurance to breathe. That’s not easy to come by, I think, $5. 00 a day; I had better make all this breathing worthwhile. The air is heavy today, weighted down with humidity. You can feel it making its way into your lungs, as you stride into the superstore, little jets of air blasting you from above the automatic door. What do I need, I think, surveying the store, which stretches out at my feet like an absurd dream. I’m pretty much sure that I have enough money in my bank account to afford the basic survival items, which are apples and bread. Strolling around the store, as I often do, I begin to entertain the fantasy that I could get a cart and fill it with whatever items I like. That’s what separates you from being truly bourgeois, I realize, the kind of cart you’re wielding. And I’m not even carrying a basket.

I arrive to the checkout with the essential items. The guy bagging groceries today has the nicest afro I have ever seen in my entire life, which is not even some appropriation of a hairdo from long ago but is actually the anachronistic style of someone who never stopped believing, accompanied by a walrus moustache. Nice, I think. The apples and bread are slid down to the afro-coifed person on a conveyor belt, which he dutifully places in a bag. Shortly, I am being told by the cashier that my bankcard has been rejected. Incredible. Amazing, I think. I have enough money in my pocket for at least two apples, but instead I just walk away, past the walrus moustache grocery person, who is holding my groceries.

Back out into the day, the sun blazing down on my ignominious brain. I nod to the homeless man on the corner, as I always do. He’s an asthmatic, I conjecture, cannot eat because he can breathe. I think of asking him, strolling right on over as he strums his acoustic guitar but decide against it. I can’t eat right now, but I recognize the upshot, which is that I will be able to breathe long enough to realize how unlucky that is. Now if someone would make me dinner. Or drop some money into my change cup. That might prolong my existence long enough to make some other kind of mind-blowing discoveries. I probably should find a job, now. Preferably something with benefits. That's a killer.

I found out that the lowest form of life is the buffer nubber
The following "conversation" took place between me and my friend, Gail, on instant messenger relay chat, and is probably more of an overt demonstration of my late-day reticence and bad spelling and grammar. Brief sections were deleted for relevance and/ or face-saving value. I'm Arniegr8pe:

Arniegr8pe (10:00:55 PM): so i was thinking
Arniegr8pe (10:01:07 PM): i'm embarking on a career in rap
Arniegr8pe (10:01:13 PM): and i need to come up with a name
madratty69666 (10:01:28 PM): no you are NOT
Arniegr8pe (10:01:34 PM): i was thinking: the young professional
madratty69666 (10:01:46 PM): how about the white asshole
Arniegr8pe (10:01:55 PM): no, the young professional
Arniegr8pe (10:02:10 PM): and the whole thing is, i'm going to drop like shit about marx and whatnot
Arniegr8pe (10:02:19 PM): and i'll rap about the communist manifesto and things
Arniegr8pe (10:02:26 PM): and i'll be called the young professional
madratty69666 (10:02:42 PM): sweet
madratty69666 (10:02:48 PM): good luck with that bro
Arniegr8pe (10:02:53 PM): yeah, i'll tell you more about it later
madratty69666 (10:03:10 PM): something tells me lil bow wow is more street than you
madratty69666 (10:03:22 PM): and he was raped by his bodyguard
Arniegr8pe (10:03:33 PM): well, the young professional brings a different angle to the rap game
Arniegr8pe (10:04:48 PM): the young professional will not be raped
Arniegr8pe (10:05:07 PM): unless it's by legions of young women (professional or no)
madratty69666 (10:05:11 PM): yea, just like tyra is bringing a different angle to the daytime talk show arena
Arniegr8pe (10:05:24 PM): believe.
madratty69666 (10:05:42 PM): BRING A BOOK
madratty69666 (10:05:47 PM): thats all i have to say
Arniegr8pe (10:05:58 PM): right...
Arniegr8pe (10:06:56 PM): ...so, what's new with you
Arniegr8pe (10:07:26 PM): did you see the world cup final today
madratty69666 (10:07:43 PM): between france and italy?
Arniegr8pe (10:07:48 PM): yes
madratty69666 (10:07:52 PM): shit was hot
Arniegr8pe (10:08:07 PM): yeah.
Arniegr8pe (10:08:13 PM): the weather did appear to be hot and humid
madratty69666 (10:08:41 PM): yea
madratty69666 (10:08:46 PM): im sure it was
Arniegr8pe (10:08:59 PM): it was pretty good, though, right?
Arniegr8pe (10:09:08 PM): the headbutt to the chest.
madratty69666 (10:09:20 PM): there was a slew of hot things about that game
Arniegr8pe (10:09:20 PM): that's how i mess up my enemies
madratty69666 (10:09:32 PM): i dont think i saw that part
madratty69666 (10:09:38 PM): i wasnt glued to it
Arniegr8pe (10:09:39 PM): yeah, mostly it seemed pretty hot in germany
Arniegr8pe (10:09:57 PM): i didn't know you were so into weather
madratty69666 (10:10:08 PM): like some people have the time to watch tv and whatever
Arniegr8pe (10:10:22 PM): yeah: like the young professional

This part of the discussion briefly segued into a rambling digression about something or other, and resumed with the rather dour display of personal fantasy and/ or other random things which should definitely be omitted but which will stand, as some kind of testimony about the author and/ or friend.

Arniegr8pe (10:19:54 PM): i think i'm getting a bad posture
Arniegr8pe (10:20:02 PM): i need, like, a massage or something
madratty69666 (10:20:05 PM): getting?
Arniegr8pe (10:20:11 PM): yeah.
madratty69666 (10:20:12 PM): haha
Arniegr8pe (10:20:21 PM): i need a beautiful woman to rub oils on me
madratty69666 (10:21:05 PM): i need that shit too
Arniegr8pe (10:21:12 PM): yeah.
Arniegr8pe (10:21:16 PM): that would be good
Arniegr8pe (10:21:30 PM): or even for a beautiful woman to tell me everything is going to be ok madratty69666 (10:21:32 PM): i always fall asleep when i go
Arniegr8pe (10:21:42 PM): like just to whisper that in my ear.
Arniegr8pe (10:21:47 PM): even if it was a lie
Arniegr8pe (10:21:57 PM): i think i would like that ok
Arniegr8pe (10:22:10 PM): haha
Arniegr8pe (10:22:16 PM): (sorry)
Arniegr8pe (10:22:22 PM): i'm only partially joking, though.
madratty69666 (10:22:50 PM): haha. i would love to tell you everything will be great, but i think i would need some surgey to get to the whole beautiful status
madratty69666 (10:22:51 PM): ha
Arniegr8pe (10:23:13 PM): i wonder if it would be a lie, though.
Arniegr8pe (10:23:46 PM): but that would be nice
madratty69666 (10:24:22 PM): yea
Arniegr8pe (10:24:26 PM): no, i'm joking.
Arniegr8pe (10:24:31 PM): everything is going to be ok
madratty69666 (10:24:31 PM): ok
madratty69666 (10:25:40 PM): i know
Arniegr8pe (10:26:05 PM): good

Let it be known the the author of this post has no idea if everything is going to be "OK." That, in fact, it is his oft-espoused belief that things are going to end in a fiery hail of smoke and gunfire and insanity. Anything, actually, but OK-ness. But let it also be known that he realizes you cannot go around dropping shit like that on people, and that's why he needs to be assured of his own OK-ness and often reveals this same fact to others--even though it is competely and almost insanely untrue.

madratty69666 (10:28:07 PM): so what else is going on with you?
Arniegr8pe (10:28:20 PM): i don't know.
madratty69666 (10:30:16 PM): haha
Arniegr8pe (10:30:29 PM): is there really a sufficient answer to that question
madratty69666 (10:30:31 PM): im sorry
madratty69666 (10:30:39 PM): i dont know
Arniegr8pe (10:31:43 PM): you can tell me what else is going on with you if you want
Arniegr8pe (10:31:55 PM): if it will make you feel better
madratty69666 (10:32:14 PM): no thats ok
Arniegr8pe (10:32:21 PM): ok.
Arniegr8pe (10:32:37 PM): mostly
Arniegr8pe (10:32:46 PM): what i've been experiencing lately
Arniegr8pe (10:32:59 PM): is just some peripheral feeling of anexiety about ever finding a job
Arniegr8pe (10:33:15 PM): or something that i won't spend my time doing that is absolutely terrible
Arniegr8pe (10:33:29 PM): i think that's a pretty attainable goal
madratty69666 (10:33:58 PM): are you picky about where you work
madratty69666 (10:33:59 PM): ?
Arniegr8pe (10:34:09 PM): a little bit.
madratty69666 (10:34:10 PM): more than average pickiness
Arniegr8pe (10:34:22 PM): but i guess i conceptualize things as a career
madratty69666 (10:34:22 PM): im getting that feeliong
Arniegr8pe (10:34:36 PM): like i'm thinking about what i'm going to do long-term
Arniegr8pe (10:34:46 PM): but i can be that way in any arena
Arniegr8pe (10:34:48 PM): you too?
madratty69666 (10:35:09 PM): like if someone told you about a job loading trucks where you get 13 an hour and benefits you would rather wait to get a 10 job grading papers?
madratty69666 (10:35:10 PM): haha
Arniegr8pe (10:35:21 PM): yeah.
Arniegr8pe (10:35:56 PM): i think i factor different things into it, too, though
Arniegr8pe (10:36:05 PM): like i don't want to work places where i'm going to get beat up
madratty69666 (10:36:05 PM): no, ill do a shitty ass job if i get money for it
Arniegr8pe (10:36:22 PM): or places where there are sketchy people, which there just may be at any job
Arniegr8pe (10:36:28 PM): but i've worked enough different places to know
madratty69666 (10:36:42 PM): you wouldnt get beat up somewhere
Arniegr8pe (10:36:47 PM): yeah, i have before
madratty69666 (10:36:56 PM): what happened?
madratty69666 (10:37:04 PM): were you talking shit
Arniegr8pe (10:37:20 PM): i used to work at keeler mercedes, on rt 7, when i first started college
Arniegr8pe (10:37:28 PM): i would like mop floors and stuff
Arniegr8pe (10:37:39 PM): ...and there was a pretty fringe element who worked there.
Arniegr8pe (10:37:49 PM): and i got into a fight with this guy
madratty69666 (10:38:00 PM): over what though?
Arniegr8pe (10:38:08 PM): i don't really know, is the thing.
Arniegr8pe (10:38:17 PM): i think he thought that i told on him or something
Arniegr8pe (10:38:26 PM): because i was pretty much in charge of making sure everything got done
Arniegr8pe (10:38:37 PM): and i think our boss said something to him, and whatever...
madratty69666 (10:38:46 PM): oh
madratty69666 (10:38:50 PM): what the fuck
madratty69666 (10:38:58 PM): why didnt you kill the guy
Arniegr8pe (10:39:09 PM): i didn't know he was going to fight me
Arniegr8pe (10:39:16 PM): i was just like, "hey, what's up?"
Arniegr8pe (10:39:26 PM): and he just punched me in the face
madratty69666 (10:39:31 PM): omg
Arniegr8pe (10:39:34 PM): and i had all this stuff in my hands
madratty69666 (10:39:39 PM): what a douche
Arniegr8pe (10:39:40 PM): so he got me pretty good
madratty69666 (10:39:49 PM): did he get fired
Arniegr8pe (10:39:54 PM): yea
Arniegr8pe (10:40:33 PM): it was pretty funny, actually
madratty69666 (10:40:34 PM): so he didnt accomplish much by hitting you
Arniegr8pe (10:40:42 PM): i had a black eye for like a week
madratty69666 (10:41:26 PM): christ
Arniegr8pe (10:42:02 PM): so i don't like working at places where i could potentially get beat up
Arniegr8pe (10:42:09 PM): and i've worked at various places like that
madratty69666 (10:42:25 PM): oh
Arniegr8pe (10:42:57 PM): not to generalize, but anywhere that requires the basic skills of handtruck usage is probably not somewhere i want to work at
madratty69666 (10:43:17 PM): right
Arniegr8pe (10:43:18 PM): what's your ideal job scenario
madratty69666 (10:43:37 PM): paycheck
madratty69666 (10:43:52 PM): and at least 40 hours of available work
Arniegr8pe (10:43:59 PM): really
madratty69666 (10:44:12 PM): thats why i am looking for something now
Arniegr8pe (10:44:20 PM): so do you think i suck for saying that
madratty69666 (10:44:40 PM): i reeally dont care what i am doing though
Arniegr8pe (10:44:46 PM): why not?
madratty69666 (10:45:31 PM): as long as there is no old people or bodily fluids involved
Arniegr8pe (10:45:33 PM): if you're going to spend 40 hours a week doing that particular thing
madratty69666 (10:46:05 PM): yes?
Arniegr8pe (10:46:36 PM): well, why not care about what you are doing
madratty69666 (10:47:48 PM): b/cwhen people say the most important thing is doing what you like its wrong
Arniegr8pe (10:48:04 PM): i may agree, but why
madratty69666 (10:48:07 PM): sometimes you have to do what you have to to survive
madratty69666 (10:48:35 PM): and you have a whole life ahead of you to improve
Arniegr8pe (10:49:34 PM): well, i think there's some kind of gulf between doing what you need to to survive and doing things which genuinely suck
Arniegr8pe (10:49:38 PM): although maybe not always
madratty69666 (10:51:46 PM): work is work
madratty69666 (10:51:50 PM): thats all i know
Arniegr8pe (10:52:17 PM): did your parents make you do lots of chores as a child
madratty69666 (10:52:25 PM): yes
Arniegr8pe (10:52:29 PM): haha
Arniegr8pe (10:52:32 PM): i thought so.
Arniegr8pe (10:52:34 PM): mine did, too
Arniegr8pe (10:52:39 PM): i don't know where it all went wrong
Arniegr8pe (10:52:51 PM): my dad used to have me do insane chores
Arniegr8pe (10:53:03 PM): like things that were so retardedly stupid, like sweeping the driveway
madratty69666 (10:53:17 PM): my father was sick for a long time, so we all did everything
Arniegr8pe (10:53:22 PM): and my friends would come around and be like, "why are you sweeping the driveway"
madratty69666 (10:53:50 PM): like masonry and shit
Arniegr8pe (10:54:09 PM): what are you talking about
madratty69666 (10:54:25 PM): is it weird to sweep the driveway?
Arniegr8pe (10:54:38 PM): yeah, like how clean do you need your driveway to be?
Arniegr8pe (10:54:44 PM): it was perfectly fine.
Arniegr8pe (10:54:56 PM): but i think, even at that age, i could see how transparent the actual chore was
Arniegr8pe (10:55:02 PM): and i thought: this is totally pointless
Arniegr8pe (10:55:11 PM): it was all just to teach me some kind of lesson
Arniegr8pe (10:55:18 PM): which, in the end, backfired horribly.
madratty69666 (10:55:20 PM): its pride in what you worked for, to sweep a driveway
Arniegr8pe (10:55:43 PM): are you serious?
madratty69666 (10:56:03 PM): yes
Arniegr8pe (10:56:26 PM): so what's so great about the clean driveway
madratty69666 (10:57:34 PM): you have a nice looking driveway it shows you care about your home
madratty69666 (10:57:39 PM): i dont know
Arniegr8pe (10:58:00 PM): right.
Arniegr8pe (10:58:48 PM): nobody really seems to
madratty69666 (10:59:08 PM): seems to know
Arniegr8pe (10:59:19 PM): it's a mystery
madratty69666 (10:59:42 PM): i understand why someone would sweep a driveway
Arniegr8pe (10:59:57 PM): why, then?
madratty69666 (11:00:09 PM): i just told you
Arniegr8pe (11:00:25 PM): but my dad didn't care
Arniegr8pe (11:00:30 PM): because he was making me do it
madratty69666 (11:00:32 PM): its about being proud of what you worked for in life
Arniegr8pe (11:00:52 PM): this is a total revelation
madratty69666 (11:01:00 PM): a house is the biggest investment a person makes in their life
Arniegr8pe (11:01:36 PM): so this investment is tied to something or other
Arniegr8pe (11:01:45 PM): it's a symbol of how great you are
Arniegr8pe (11:01:53 PM): how much you kick ass
madratty69666 (11:02:02 PM): no
Arniegr8pe (11:02:05 PM): and besides, i thought you told me you will always rent
madratty69666 (11:02:11 PM): it shows that you care about something
madratty69666 (11:03:08 PM): it shows that you worked for something for yourself or you family
madratty69666 (11:03:23 PM): its not to rub shit in other peoples faces
madratty69666 (11:03:57 PM): unless you are that kind of person
Arniegr8pe (11:04:01 PM): haha
madratty69666 (11:04:15 PM): and no, i want a house someday
madratty69666 (11:04:32 PM): whatever
madratty69666 (11:04:58 PM): its just what i think about it, i dont have to be right
Arniegr8pe (11:05:12 PM): it's very cute
madratty69666 (11:05:37 PM): so if you think i sound stupid its not my problem
Arniegr8pe (11:05:44 PM): haha
madratty69666 (11:05:48 PM): why is it cute?
Arniegr8pe (11:05:50 PM): i didn't say that (not your problem)
Arniegr8pe (11:06:03 PM): i don't know, it's just very simple
Arniegr8pe (11:06:22 PM): but i think there's a lot more complexity involved
Arniegr8pe (11:07:46 PM): i don't think you sound stupid
madratty69666 (11:07:55 PM): well if there was it was your father trying to show you that you shouldnt be afraid of work
madratty69666 (11:08:36 PM): i dont know, it just seems like you are like whatever bitch
madratty69666 (11:08:49 PM): so we can talk about something else
Arniegr8pe (11:08:52 PM): no, i'm not.
Arniegr8pe (11:09:12 PM): but i'm definitely taken aback by your stances on the whole, uh
Arniegr8pe (11:09:31 PM): thing
madratty69666 (11:09:40 PM): why?
Arniegr8pe (11:10:03 PM): i just wasn't prepared for you to so righteously defend this
Arniegr8pe (11:10:12 PM): but you are also a parent
Arniegr8pe (11:10:19 PM): so maybe you've thought about it differently
madratty69666 (11:10:56 PM): ive always thought like that, more or less
Arniegr8pe (11:11:15 PM): so you must think i'm a real jerk
madratty69666 (11:11:25 PM): no not at all
Arniegr8pe (11:12:00 PM): why not
madratty69666 (11:12:21 PM): why would i?
Arniegr8pe (11:12:58 PM): well, i guess because my value system differs so drastically
madratty69666 (11:13:17 PM): you can think whatever you want and place value in whatever you want
Arniegr8pe (11:13:40 PM): yeah, but if i value things that are so radically different.
Arniegr8pe (11:14:44 PM): do you know?
Arniegr8pe (11:14:52 PM): like there's always going to be fighting in gaza
madratty69666 (11:15:14 PM): yea
madratty69666 (11:15:23 PM): so you are saying...
madratty69666 (11:15:52 PM): someone who thinks that they should have pride in their home
Arniegr8pe (11:16:00 PM): haha
madratty69666 (11:16:10 PM): wouldnt be interested in shit going on in the world
Arniegr8pe (11:16:43 PM): i mean, our opinoins and our belief systems often cause us to get on with others
madratty69666 (11:16:52 PM): haha
Arniegr8pe (11:16:54 PM): or sometimes strap a bomb to our chests and blow up a bus
Arniegr8pe (11:17:43 PM): i guess it would determine how much you believed in those things, though
Arniegr8pe (11:17:46 PM): but i won't go on about it
madratty69666 (11:18:01 PM): ok