They Don't Make Lies Like They Used To

The temp. agency would like to see me this morning. Despite working for them on and off again for numerous years, they have forgotten who I am, have lost my resume in the gigantic refuse pile which constitutes their filing system, and would like it if I checked in. They want to make sure that I’m not fashioning a beard or have developed some nervous tic which might prevent me from using a copying machine. This is how they do it around here.

You can pretty much determine their estimation of you by the kinds of jobs they end up offering. Sometimes they send you to a higher paying position for a few weeks, and you pretty much know that they liked your shirt that day. You have convinced them that you are a civilized human, and that you will not be putting the supervisor in a headlock when she gives you some papers to collate. I’ve worked at jobs, too, where they didn’t like my shirt that day, and I can pretty much assure you that there are specific destinations for the uncivilized: "Check this out," a fellow temp. tells me one day. "As an act of revenge for giving him shit, John jerked off all over that chair over there." I cannot believe this story, but on further inspection there actually really does appear to be some strange-looking substance all over the chair in question. I tell them I will be standing for the rest of the day.

There is just no end to the strangeness of the temp. world, with its inherent miscreant faction and weirdo populace. And no specific workplace is absolved, no matter how good it seems to be. I try and figure out just what camp they’re putting me into. "Have you ever worked on an assembly line?" they want to know. I'm a little amazed to realize that they are actually serious. I swear I thought I saw the hint of bemusement on their faces. Oh, well. The results are in. You can pretty much rest assured I won’t be adding this to resume any time soon. Not this one. "We’ll call you if something comes up," they let me know. OK. I just don’t know how comforting all that is.